London again

I'm in london once again, the city which I can thank for jumpstarting the success of the past year and a half.  Don't get me wrong, it could have happened anywhere, but the energy of this city was instrumental at launching it.

And this is also a city where I know I will never be able to find my soul unless i'm able to get famous bring lots of money.  If that happens, it might suit me great... 

But instead I'm a poor muscial dream chaser.  So Belgrade suits me much better.  

London has just brought to head my existential angst though.  It was always there.  What was going to help?  A life of my own design?  Done that.  Sex with beautiful ladies?  I've done that.  Standing on the stage and being adored for my music?  I've seriously started doing that.  

Still the confusion of being.  The unconscious will to numb my feelings with alcohol.  I'm sorting through it.

The only solution is to make more music.  I'm feeling it.  But the music I'm making now is a slight departure from the last group of songs, which this year and last year me and the lineup have literally run into the ground.

One of the main reasons for me creating this band was to attract like minded people.  I've done that.  But still so few are like minded enough to truely not be freaked out by the intensity of my thought processes and feelings.  I feel steady on my path to become someone whose music you love but whose personality you can't stand.  Or that person who you see every freedom and everything you want in your life as a lover but then breaks your heart so carelessly and in such an insensitive way.  

If you know me really well, as few do, youll know that i come from a really perfect place, a neighbourhood in the centre of Toronto called Moore Park where money was never an issue, people are honestly good and classy, don't cause each other problems and don't have unrealistic expectations of life.  The affluence of that neighbourhood is a specificness that is bonded to me forever.  It gave me the message that life was on my side.  And it is. 

The decent life was never the problem.  But somewhere along the way I wanted more... The longing inside my being had to see and understand everything.  Through all of my self-discovery I've in the end gotten more confused.

I made it in London. I could stay here longer and make it more.  But something about this Island never worked for me.  Something about this culture.  Same with Canada, but I had to come to the source to understand it greater.  Now I do and I honestly say that Anglo-Saxon culture is wonderful, great, fascinating and it's no wonder that this was the one that conquered the earth in such a massive way.  But in its core is something so violently opposed to what I stand for, my savage heart, that I will continue to pick and choose parts of this culture and others until I have found a sincerity that really satisfies me.

London london.... this ultra cosmopolitan box that i have fallen in.  It's time to break the ties and cut the cord.............

September 21st at passing clouds.  That's the last show in London.  Until I have a wealth of new songs.

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