on the edge of the next chapter

There's something about being about to embark on a big change in my life that makes me feel really kind of fragile and slightly sorrowful.  

In 2008 when I decided not to live in Toronto anymore and that I would sell all my stuff, I remember the feeling of my life collapsing in on itself.  Liberating yet scary.  Something about those last few days you spend living in your place when you know a big change is about to come and you know that things are never going to be the same ever again.  It's kind of sad.  I remember that time, the day of the evening I was supposed to get on a plane to Vienna I smoked some DMT and that was like a giant mental reboot and after that I was purely ready to go. A nice 10 minute psychadelic tune-up.

What a connection in life that was to catch.  The serbianization of me.

Last year, I was in Toronto, had been there for 4 months and decided again that the city was not doing what I needed for my music career, was leaving band mates and everything.  That was hard too.  I remember sitting in my parents house (they were out of town) and listening to some really sad bosnian sevdah music.  Drinking rakija , so excited dreaming of what moving to London would bring me.  It had this same sort of feeling.  Pure sorrow, excitement, longing for the life!

It's something to do with the combination of your acquired fondness for the life that you've built yourself in a place, the sadness of leaving it, the frustration with not being able to have everything you want your life, the resolve that you have made the choices and the plans to change your life and the anticipation for the life that lies ahead of you on the road.

Now here I am more than one year later, life in London is collapsing for me now.  My room is being rented out.  Someone else is working my job and I have one day left at work and I know that my brief affair with London as a full time place to live was very successful although short and it really has lead to this next thing.

It's kind of sad still.  But so exciting.

The show on Saturday in Exeter at the old Firehouse was really fun!  One of our best.  I felt like I was throwing myself into the show with abandon, but with such a knowing and warm charisma that I was just drenching the whole room with my self directed celebration of the strangeness of my being.  The whole exercise of being a singer is one of great narcissistic value and I freely admit to that.  In the end my music is a celbration of my own humanity and on nights when it really works and touches people, theirs too.

I've sacrificed almost every stability I ever had in my life so that I can do this.  It's not easy.  But the nostalgia I feel for the future makes it all seem worth it.

It's just days like this it's really hard not to cry about it all, just like I cried in January when I saw the British Passport control after the weekend in Belgrade which initiated the new lineup.


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