slavic germanic self torture.

I can't get rid of this obsession of mixing slavic and germanic cultures.  My mixed ethnic background makes it such that I'm confused where one starts and the other begins.  I am both in one.  Thought and feelings giving credit to both of them all the time.  Thus I can't decide which type of society I want to live in.  Slavic societies are true expressions of authentic, unfiltered humanity, letting it all hang out.  Germanic societies are expressions of cultivated civilization, controlled and neatly organized.  

I think the big problem is my slavic german grandparents grew up in a city and a time when they had both readily available, Bratislava of the 1930's.  Then NAZI movement came and blew the whole german thing out of proportion.  The backlash of that?  Miserable Russian communisim brought on Bratislava, my grandparents choosing rather to leave than live it.  Ending up in Canada forever freezing the previous image of the world they grew up in as ideal well cursing the relative uncomplex nature of the new world's god damn easy life.  They passed it on to me somehow and through my own experiences traveling I confirmed everything.  The mix of Slavic and German is the one for me.  

There's a tender side of Slavic culture that Germanic doesn't get and there's a willpower and self-determination part of Germanic culture that slavic doesn't get.  Somehow with the interbreeding of thoughts, emotions and genetic tendencies, I get an overdose of both of them.  I'm so emotionally tender that I had to hide my heart away behind a wall of central european machismo.  Discipline and organization are over done in my head.  So is feeling.  I've got a typical slavic tendancy towards dark deep and depressing philosophical thoughts that exist somewhere in between real life and my inner fantasy world.  My mind is a scary place with a recipe for an ourageous degree of narcissistic self-satisfaction to the point of mania and ecstasy that comes when I manage to balance the forces of being me in such a way that it all comes together perfectly.  That's where my music comes from.

That's all inside of me.  Then there's billions of other people on this planet with whom I have to interact.  It's a constant source of wonder, confusion and amusement.  I'm an only child of two only children, which means I essentially, in my own mind, believe that I'm the centre of the fucking universe.  me me me..... Okay, so where does that leave others?  They can join the party, if they choose.  And they chose... 

Somehow I managed to decide to play music, to have a band, wrote the songs and got the people.  Convinced them to drop their lives and move to Serbia.  Now we're here!  I feel guilty that I'm more confused than ever.  A confused leader who is not self aware enough to assume the role.  It's not because I'm lacking in confidence.  I've got plenty of that.  I suppose there's just a dark shadow of my personality that contradicts the main portion and constantly questions.  Dooms me to a life of confusion.  I know exactly who i am and what I'm here to do, except on a day to day basis, the moods and feelings within me are constantly spinning me away from that.

I've got that escapist tendancy which I wired to alcohol.  Seems to be the sort of one that killed many a great musicians, most recently Amy Winehouse, for example.  When life feels like it's too much, turn to drink, says the voice in the head.  Drink drink drink.  You'll feel less immediately.  The more you drink faster, the less you'll feel.  I understand that stuff perfectly.  It just seemed really damn convenient to be able to blast away emotions like that.  In October when we came to Belgrade, we were 6 living in 2 rooms.  The only way I could go to sleep was by drinking about 1L of wine.  You'd think the hangovers would teach, but they don't.

But the body can only sustain that for so long and now my body has given me the heads up that it's time to change and for this I'm thankful.  Lately I've swapped the daily drinking for daily workout in the gym.  It feels really good.  Every morning I get a good sweat and I'm slowly working out of this mental hole I've built for myself.  I won't go into great detail about the repetitive menacing thoughts which race through my mind constantly, but excercise really helps!!!

Why the hell did I ever start living in Belgrade.  Well in 2008 I moved here because I knew that there was a whole dimension of human being here that I could never discover if I stayed in Canada.  Whole levels of myself I could only reach in a place like this.  People here are as confused about life as I am or at least the ones who are are allowed to feel that way.  It opened up the gateway to a lot of self discovery.  Now that stuff has gone through my system so many times it is one with me and I focus my eye on going out into the world and pushing my insanity out there in a musical form so everyone can see it and dance to it.  

I just don't understand how me, the person who is the most overthinking and over feeling person makes this music that makes people forget everything and just enjoy and party on an intense level, but I guess I just decided it. where is this going though?   Can I really reach greatness with this or will i sabotage myself?  I'm learning more about making music and about myself every single day. It's all quite shocking.

One thing is for sure, I want nothing more in life but to touch people with the music which I brew in my soul.  Everything else is secondary. EVERYTHING.

--This is Erik Mut, I send you greetings from Belgrade!